Divorce and 5 Reasons Not to Go to Bed Angry

WOW.. This article really hit home.  I’ve heard the adage “Don’t go to bed angry” before and have tried to follow. That was particularly difficult in my last relationship – my soon-to-be ex-husband is Not a communicator.  That probably seems unkind and a bit judgmental but it’s true (and I have references).  He did not like to talk things out… he was more comfortable just sweeping things under the carpet unless I was willing to say that he was right about Everything.. Always.  (honestly, you can ask our therapist about this… after five years of therapy it didn’t change)  So I was a bit conditioned Out of communicating… which is totally outside my nature.  I grew up in a volatile family but my dad would YELL at us and then.. it was done… ok, moving right along.  We didn’t hold things in and we also didn’t hold grudges.  It’s much Harder Not to hold onto Hard Feelings if you aren’t able to voice/vent them but sometimes that action can make people, especially those who are not confronters very uncomfortable.

One part that really hit home was “Getting angry may really be a cry for contact, having lost our connectedness with each other; it may be expressing feelings of rejection, grief, loneliness, or a longing to love and be loved.”  I have figured out, probably 90% of the time, when I am angry it is not because of something my S.O. has actually done … more it is about how I am feeling.  If I am feeling disconnected then small things that would never bother me normally are magnified. 

The part of the list that got me was number 2: “We dwell on anger, making it grow into something bigger than it really is.”  Once I have hurt feelings than anything/everything grows into signs that we are in trouble or that he no longer cares… etc. etc.  It’s a ridiculous and vicious circle.

On my side though?  I am highly reflective and can spin myself back down… it takes time and occasionally a smack on the head (my kids can be good for doing this if I am being incredibly stupid and share my fears/angers with them).  What do I need to do?   Talk… Communicate… I am in a dramatically better relationship with a kind, loving man… I just need to tell him when I am feeling disconnected.   No More Going to bed Angry !!!

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